Home

For simplicity-sake, I consider my current home the only one I've ever had. I am aware that we've moved a couple of times, but that was at an age where memories are vague and very much distant.
My home is a single apartment, meaning it has no rooms, pretty much designed for one person (hence the name). Yet, I've managed to live there with two other people, my mom and my brother. Although my mom has been moving the furniture around throughout the years, we've always had two beds. I've had to share with either my brother or even my mom. Right now, we have no couch. All we have are two beds, a big drawer with a TV set on top of it, a desk with a PC, and that darn pool table (Ely...). We have a table pushed to the wall, located near the kitchen, small kitchen. There's a small bathroom, two. Everything's small.
Despite all that, I'm OK with it. I've grown up to not ask for much, not want much, and be OK, at least, with what I have.
Still, there are times when I do wish my life where different. Where money is not the biggest issue we have. I want a bigger home. Nothing fancy.
After visiting my dad's house recently, I found out how much life is unfair. He has a house with 4 bedrooms. His two kids have a room each and have turned the fourth into a game room! They have a living room, whereas we have a living-bedroom.
That's part of the reason why I lasted a week of staying over there with my dad while in college. I got mad. Jealous even, maybe. My dad has never really been around. I see my aunt and how my cousins' father sends her money every month. My dad does no such thing. For my birthdays, he usually comes to take me out to dinner. I hate it. I hate it because I wish I could go out an eat with my family more often, but I can't. I know that.
Before, when my mom had a way better job, that was when we were most happy. Even then, I never asked for much. Everything was pretty much unappealing. I was never into video games and such. I used to, am even today, a big time daydreamer. I would rather just lay there and daydream of impossibly wonderful worlds and characters. Anyways, when my mom had money, she would invite everyone to everythingfrom family to neighbors to friends she never really talked to, but uncles/aunts did. We would go to restaurants with family like every weekend. My mom would pay  most of the part whenever we would go to an amusement park and such. We would be visited by family every week, and have holidays together and have union.
But now, everything's different, to a sadder life. Now that my mom barely has money, no one visits. They probably think I don't notice it or just decide to ignore it. This year, both my brother and I didn't get a single present from anyone. I was actually used to it cuz I've never gotten present in the past couple of years, but what really broke me was to see how my brother started hating all our family members cuz they didn't even bother to call.  Not even the one uncle who is always supposedly putting family first and was Ely's favorite. It wasn't fair for him.
All three of us, my mom, my brother, and myself, are complete pushovers. Everyone finds it easy to use us for their benefit and once we can't give them or help them, they leave us with nothing and carry on to 'better' things.
Fuck them! Fuck You! (not you, reader, specifically. a certain you)

government

Before I begin let me just say that I am not in favor of or am defending anything here. I am simply noting a strange behavior of our governments.

So, one of the most controversial issues of today is the fact that we the people do not really have free will. Immigrants can't stay, gays can't marry, and so forth. However, the problem with our arguments is that we only see it as 'breaking our natural rights' when we find it convenient to. Think about it. Now, again, I am not saying this because I agree, but it is funny. Racism is frowned upon by a lot of people, most likely the same people who are fighting for their rights. These racists are bashed for openly showing their opinion, yet, we are all wondering why the hell no one listens to us.  Gays wish to be allowed to 'come out' and be their own person, but they cannot stand it when someone expresses a homophobic attitude. It's kind of hypocritical when you think about it. Some will say tat the problem is not that people are open with their own opinions, but that they go too far, like the KKK. But, really, everyone gives the death stare when someone is careless enough to say 'black person.' And sometimes it's not even to be racist. Sometimes you really don't know the person's name and their isn't really anything that stands out about them, so how else can u describe them? Eh, jusyt something to think about....

moving on

funny

Funny how I expected the worst for the days to come, funny how I woke up feeling lazy, yet, refreshed after a good night's sleep. Funny how that sleep started out with the worst expectations for the days ahead. Funny how I just made a full circle just now, with words!

I spent some time last night worrying again. College. I've got a place to stay while I'm over there, and a ride to and from school everyday. However, my mom wants me to come home every weekend. But, how? I can't ask my dad to drive me from Riverside to Van Nuys on Fridays, then wake up early on Mondays so he can travel from Riverside to Van Nuys, pick me up, then take us both to Irvine. I just can't. No matter how I want to. And I really, really want to.

My mom, my brother, and I have rarely been separated. Occasionally, Ely would visit our uncle at Bakersfield for the summer, but summer's only 3 months! By the first week, I already miss him. (which is one of the many reasons why I've stopped going to Bakersfield.) So, yeah, I can't imagine spending most of my junior year of college away from them. I'll miss them too much. I'll miss my kitty, Princess, the stuffed animal I still sleep with (ha -__-), everything and everyone I''ve grown up with for the past who-knows-how-many years.

This is what kept me up last night. But then I remembered this blog, thinking whether I should post this or not. And from that, I remembered a quote I posted on here, "Today is the Tomorrow we feared Yesterday." I took it in. How many times have I freaked out this summer only to find that it all came out OK in the end? I shouldn't worry. At least not so much. It's only a year. Hell, if I somehow learn how to drive over at my dad's, I am so moving back and driving to school everyday! I shouldn't worry. College is going to be awesome, I can feel it. It all comes down to whether or not I make the most of it, and I'll be damned if I waste the next 4 years of my life!

I'll miss them, sure. But I'm not moving away. No. I'm just doing whatever I can to make college easier, and less expensive. ;) It's good practice, too, for that one day when I have to move on, make my own life.

Hello UCI. Hello a new me. Not a different me, just a better me, for the good.

carrie underwood presents temporary home

Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone.
Another new mom and dad,another school,
Another house that'll never be home.
When people ask him how he likes this place...
He looks up and says, with a smile upon his face,

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."

Young mom on her own.
She needs a little help, got nowhere to go.
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out,
Because a half-way house will never be a home.
At night she whispers to her baby girl,
"Someday we'll find our place here in this world."

"This is our temporary home.
It's not where we belong.
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."

Old man, hospital bed,
The room is filled with people he loves.
And he whispers don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday.
He looks up and says, "I can see God's face."

"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop,on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home."

This is our temporary home.

lifehouse presents everything, again

One of my favorite songs. A must for those gloomy days when you've just had about enough. Excuse the video itself. No music video was made for this song, and this one only had pictures so yeah. Enjoy!

lifehouse presents everything

fear

I spent another night going over my greatest 'fear.' I'm afraid of death, or so we would say. But after thinking over it, I came up with a belief. There is only one fear in this world, and that is fear of the unknown.

Think about it: Arachnophobia, fear of spiders. Now, I freak out when I see a spider, but, where does the real fear come from? It comes from not knowing what will happen when you encounter a spider. You don't know where you'll find a spider, or how, and when you do, you don't know what will happen. Will it bite? And if it does, will it be painful, itchy, or deadly? So, you see, arachnophobics are really just afraid of not knowing how a spider will impact them.

Take my fear now, death. I'm not actually afraid of dying. It's gonna happen, it's inevitable. But the fear I have, the fear that has kept me awake for countless nights is not knowing what will happen after death. Now I'm Christian. But I have my doubts. Who doesn't. If there is really someone out there who doesn't have a doubt in this religion, then we've found ourselves are second-coming Christ! 

So anyways, I stay up at night fearing the worst. What if all that waits us after death is an actual endless sleep, our rest in peace, forever? Now that is really scary to think about. Unfortunately for me, I think too much. I should just say "Nah, I'll go to heaven." But, when I do, I start thinking "Wait, am I gonna be an angel, look like eveyone else, andnever see any loved ones again?" That doesn't work for me either.

So, what do I do? I look at my brother and mother, and hope that the day will never come, that there will not be a moment of my life where I won't be able to see them again. But I'm just fooling myself. It will happen. It is inevitable. And that's when I curse Adam and Eve for giving us the delightful gift of death. 

So, yeah, the only fear man, and woman, have is the fear of the unknown. We all hate the feeling of not knowing what will happen after we do or see or hear or whatever, anything.

P.S.: To any religious devotees, if you're gonna lecture me, do it kindly. Remember, Jesus never beat God into anyone....

day

"Today was the Tomorrow we feared Yesterday."

Remember this the next time you begin to worry about how the next day will turn out. No one knows. There's no way to know. So just let it be...

because i'm anal...

we're teenagers

We’re teenagers.

We’re hopeless romantics.
Girls want respect, and wear shirts that expose their breasts, shorts that are basically underwear over underwear.
Guys say ‘I love you,’ when they only love this newfound admirer and devotee.
Girls ask for honesty and truth, while also demanding ‘space’ and ‘freedom.’
Guys ask for attention, and ignore their girls when their priority comes up.
We want to date because the parts fit, because its natural, because you’re a loser if you don’t.
We pour our hearts out because we’ve gotten close, and jump to conclusions, create worst-case-scenarios.

We’re teenagers.

We’re hypocrites.
We claim we don’t like to ‘hate’ or talk behind backs, then turn around and say ‘I don’t like them’ as if that’s any better and make assumptions, judge, when someone lights up envy.
We boast our independency, hide the music we really like because we’re afraid of listening to the kind we do, flip out when our parents get us something ‘embarrassing’ because we don’t care what people say, hide our feelings because feelings are not cool.
We don’t want to be lied to, yet we lie.
We don’t want to be taken advantage of, yet we use.
We don’t think it’s fair, yet we cheat.
We want what we don’t have, we get what we do.

We’re teenagers.

We’re immature.
We dream of becoming our own boss, find ourselves lost without guidance.
We want to do thing ourselves, we wait for dinner and clean clothes.
We try to make our parents see that things have changed, what do they know about today’s relationships? Before, love was ‘till death, now love= boy + girl.
We choose our own friends, we seek family when we’re alone.
We know parents don’t understand because everyone knows they came from a parent factory and were never young. Oh, that’s right, things are different now…
We can take care for ourselves, we fight when we don’t get attention.

We’re teenagers.
We’re ready for the real world.
We know what’s out there.
We’ve seen it, in movies.
We’ve heard about it, in lyrics.
We’ve dreamed about it, in class.
We can find a job and keep it, we can get an A and keep it.
We are young adults, totally prepared to become adults.
We have control, fight when we get mad, cry when we get sad, ‘LOL’ when someone mentions Chuck Norris.

We’re teenagers.

It’s only been 18 years, but we are so ready.

birthday

You would get used to having cheesecake for your birthday and expect nothing more. Maybe dinner at Denny's later on the week, or 10 bucks. I'm old enough to understand, after all.

But, I can still think that, 6 birthdays ago, the 'Happy' in 'Happy Birthday' has been absent, sucked out of the phrase. 

Last weekend, fammily was going over old pictures. Included was past birthdays, of my brother, my cousins. Parties at the park, everyone gathered.

Where are my pictures? Where are my birthdays? I'm 18 now, I shouldn't want a candy-filled piñata or a jumper. I never had those things, not that I remember, anyways. I shouldn't expect anymore. Lost cause...

open for business!

To Such As These.
Why this?
Because we own a CD with a similar title. A random CD that we don't listen to. Lullaby's. Yes, inspiration...